you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
