my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
