Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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