the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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