she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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