There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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