He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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