no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just blew my weed a kiss
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
