I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
