also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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