He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When are your genitals available?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
