please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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