Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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