i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
