Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
