i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
