Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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