I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My ass is underappreciated
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
