i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Welp...herpes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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