Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
