I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
