I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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