new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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