theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
