They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
