can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
