your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
