Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
