she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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