I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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