I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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