Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
