Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
And then he peed in my hair
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