i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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