i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
