I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
