chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
FUCK WHALES
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
