my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
