I hate your face
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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