i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
