you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
