and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
