I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
