im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
