if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize