I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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