I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
