How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
