Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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