So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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