I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize