Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
