Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
