the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
