Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
