i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
