I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
